


The Cost of Memories

by AnaraneSindanarie



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Memories, Memory Loss, Restraints, Scars, Second Degree Burns, Some sexy times, Torture, burn marks, hostage, kinda sorta, maybe? - Freeform, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-16 17:24:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13058658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnaraneSindanarie/pseuds/AnaraneSindanarie
Summary: Five years ago Agent Duo Maxwell went missing on a mission. Now he's been found, but without his memories. He remembers nothing except the pain he endured at the hands of his captors.





	1. The Cost of Memories

_A Picture is worth a Thousand Words,_

_But the Memories are Priceless._

 

* * *

 

Everything hurt. His head, his chest, everything. A pain filled moan escaped as he blinked open heavy eyelids. All he could see was a blurry wall, the same wall he had seen for months or was it years? He didn’t know.

He heard a door open before two pairs of shoes entered his sight. Then a torso entered his sight as someone bent.

“Duo? Can you hear me?”

Duo? Who was Duo?

“He’s out of it Yuy. We need to get him out of here.”

Who was Yuy?

“Duo I’m going to pick you up and carry you out of here.”

“I doubt he understands what you’re saying. According to the report his brain is fried.”

“This is Duo we’re talking about. He’s still in there.”

He felt himself being rolled over and lifted into strong arms. His head rolled back as he stared blankly at the person who hadn’t picked him up.

As he was carried out of the room and out of the building. The two who had found him continued to talk softly with each other, though he couldn’t understand what they were saying. His eyes soon slid closed as the comforting darkness of unconsciousness embraced him.

 

* * *

 

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

What was that annoying beeping? An annoyed groan escaped him as he opened his eyes. A white ceiling came into view. He was confused. Where was the graying brick wall of his room?

“He’s awake. Duo you’re in the hospital.”

Who was Duo? Where was he? This wasn’t his room.

“It’s okay Duo. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

His eyes darted to the person speaking. He took in the blond hair and blue eyes and the raised hands.

He flinched as he tried to get away from the hands.

“We’re not going to hurt you Duo. You’re safe.”

“He’s panicking.”

“Duo calm down please. If you don’t the nurse will come in and sedate you.”

Sedate? No! He had to get away.

“You’re just making it worse! Move!”

The voices started to morph together as they talked to him. He flinched as they touched him. He saw the nurse come in and prepare the needle. He lashed out causing the voices to grow louder.

“Wait.”

The voice was calm. Green eyes entered his sight. Their eyes locked and a name rose to the surface before it disappeared. He felt the pinch of a needle and tried to jerk his arm away only to realize that it was being held still.

“Rest Duo. You’re safe. I promise.”

As the sedative took effect his eyes grew heavy. He felt fingers in his hair as he fell into the darkness and turned his head into it.

 

* * *

 

They sat anxiously in the private waiting room. It had been hours since Duo had been admitted and there had been little news from the doctors.

“He’ll be okay.” Quatre said, “We found him. He’ll be okay.”

Heero pulled Quatre close and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Quatre laid his head on Heero’s shoulder and stared at the door.

Heero’s thoughts were on how Duo had looked when they had found him in that cinderblock cell. His hair chopped off to the base of his neck, the left side of his body burned, and a vacant look in his eyes. It had scared him to see Duo like that.

“The report said that his mind was fried.” Wufei said causing Heero to glare at him.

“He’s still there.” Quatre said, “I can feel him. He’s there.”

“It’s been five years.” Wufei pointed out, “There’s no telling what was done to him during that time.”

Five years ago, Duo had been sent on a mission with a fresh out of training agent. It was a simple reconnaissance mission that had turned south when the greenhorn had gotten them caught. When they missed their check in Heero and Wufei had been sent out to investigate only to find the place cleared out and a dead newbie.

They’d had no idea where to start looking for Duo and had hit dead end after dead end, until they’d received an anonymous tip that Duo was being held prisoner in an old pre-colony prison.

A search and rescue mission had immediately been launched and to their relief and happiness they’d found Duo. Though his health left much to be desired.

The door to the waiting room opened and Sally walked in. She gave them a tired smile as they all sat up straighter. She sat down across from them and they waited.

“It’s not as bad as we first thought.” She said after several longs seconds had passed, “The burns are relatively new, we’re starting treatment for them. The scans show several head injuries, we won’t know the damage until he wakes up. From what you told me, I suspect memory loss, possibly the loss of his motor skills. He’s malnourished, dehydrated, and has pneumonia.”

“What else?” Heero asked.

“There are several incorrectly healed broken bones. I had to rebreak and set them.” Sally paused, “I suspect they kept him sedated most of the time, waking him up only when attempting to extract information or to torture him. I don’t know the extent of the mental damage that he has sustained, and we won’t know until he wakes up.”

“Can we see him?” Quatre asked.

“Yes, though he won’t wake up until we take him off the sedatives.” Sally said, “We thought it better to have him out while we deal with his injuries as we’re not sure how he’d react to everything.”

“But he’ll be all right?” Quatre asked.

“With time.” Sally said, “I’ll show you to his room.”

They stood and followed her. Heero squeezed Quatre’s shoulder in comfort before falling back to talk with Trowa.

“Are you okay?” Heero asked.

“My husband might not remember me.” Trowa said quietly, “Of course I’m not fine.”

“He’ll be okay.” Heero tried to reassure him, “This is Duo. He’s strong and stubborn, so very stubborn. He’s never down for long.”

“It’s been five years, Heero.” Trowa said, “We have no idea what kind of mental torture he was under during that time, he could be brainwashed to hate or fear us.”

“I doubt Duo would have let that happen.” Heero said.

“We don’t know anything.” Trowa said, “Stop acting like everything is going to be okay!”

Since Duo’s disappearance Trowa had quick to snap at people in his fear that he had lost his husband.

Heero grabbed Trowa’s arm and pulled him to a stop.

“You’re scared and angry. I get that. But Duo is back.” Heero said.

“We won’t know if he’s back until he wakes up.” Trowa said as he pulled his arm out of Heero’s grasp. He caught up with the rest of their group as they entered a room.

Trowa stopped in the doorway and stared at the person on the bed. He heard Quatre’s gasp and he couldn’t stop his eyes from widening.

Heero and Wufei had told them that Duo’s left side had been burned, but they hadn’t said how bad it was.

Even through the medicine that had been lathered onto the second degree burns, you could see how bad it was. From his neck all the way down to his thigh.

“You didn’t say it was this bad!” Quatre whispered.

“He’d been dressed in clothes, ratty as they had been.” Wufei said, “We didn’t think it was this bad.”

“The burns were treated before.” Sally said, “Poorly treated, most likely his captors didn’t want him to die from an infection.”

Trowa walked to the foot of Duo’s bed and stared at him. Aside from the burn, he could tell that it was Duo on the bed. There was just one thing that was off.

“His hair. It’s been cut.” Trowa said.

“It was like that when we found him.” Heero said.

“He’ll be pissed when he wakes up and finds it like that.” Quatre said, “When will you take him off the sedatives?”

“Within the next few days.” Sally said, “I want to give his burns a chance to heal somewhat. Trowa, as his next of kin, I need you to sign some papers.”

Trowa ignored her as he continued to stare at his husbands still form.

“I’ll sign them.” Heero said following Sally from the room.

Heero returned several minutes later and forced Trowa into a chair before he dropped something into his lap. Trowa looked down at it before looking up at Heero.

“Duo’s chart.” Heero said, “Look through it so you can see that Duo will be fine.”

“Why are you so convinced that he’ll be fine?” Trowa asked catching Quatre and Wufei’s attention.

“Why are you convinced that he won’t be?” Heero asked in return, “I know you two had a fight before he left but what happened during that mission was not your fault!”

Trowa looked away. He had been furious with Duo for leaving on that mission, they had still been on their honeymoon when Une had contacted Duo about the mission. He had agreed to go in. He had apologized to Trowa and had promised to make it up to him, but Trowa had been furious. They hadn’t been scheduled to return for another week, but Duo insisted on going on the mission anyway.

Duo had left right away, leaving Trowa to pack the rest of their things. And by the time he had gotten back, Duo had been missing. He had been furious, furious at himself for letting Duo go, furious at Duo for leaving and for being missing, and furious at Une for calling him in.

And now… now Duo was back but was he _back_?

The next three days passed slowly in Trowa’s opinion. He watched as Sally took Duo off the sedatives and watched the monitors that were beeping steadily with Duo’s heartbeat.

“Thanks to the medicine and our new technology, his burns are healed, but the discoloration will remain.” Sally said, “I’ve stopped the sedatives, he’ll wake up, but it may take some time.”

Trowa leaned against the wall as the others crowded around Duo’s bed. He wanted Duo to wake up but was he ready to find out if his husband remembered who he was? He didn’t know if he could handle it.

A groan came from the bed and Trowa blinked.

“He’s awake. Duo you’re in the hospital.” Quatre said softly.

Trowa glanced at the clock, two hours had passed.

 “It’s okay Duo. They can’t hurt you anymore.” Quatre said.

Even from his position in the back of the room, Trowa could see that Duo was panicking.

“We’re not going to hurt you Duo. You’re safe.” Heero said.

“He’s panicking.” Wufei interjected.

“Duo calm down please. If you don’t the nurse will come in and sedate you.” Quatre said hoping to calm Duo.

“You’re just making it worse! Move!” Wufei pushed Quatre to the side.

A nurse came in ready to tell them to be quiet or to get out when she saw Duo was awake. It didn’t take more than a few seconds for Duo to lash out as he tried to find a way to escape. The hand touching him certainly weren’t helping matters. He knew without a doubt that Duo didn’t recognize them.

“Wait.” Trowa said as he finally moved.

He made his way to the bed as the others stopped fighting and leaned over his husband.

Their eyes locked and for a spilt second, Trowa saw recognition in Duo’s eyes before it was gone. His heart swelled, Duo was in there.

“Rest Duo. You’re safe. I promise.” Trowa said softly as the nurse injected Duo with a sedative.

As the sedative took effect, Duo’s eyes slid closed and Trowa reached up to run his fingers through Duo’s short hair. Heero had been right, Duo would be okay.

“You were right.” Heero said, “He’s not okay.”

“But he will be.” Trowa said, not removing his eyes from Duo’s face, “He’s still in there. It was brief, gone just as fast as it appeared, but I saw recognition in his eyes. For that spilt second, he knew who I was.”

Trowa looked up at them, “He _knew_ who I was.”

 


	2. Where's Duo?

_I am Lost_

_I’ve gone to look for myself,_

_If I should return before I get back,_

_Please ask me to wait._

 

* * *

 

“Can you tell me your name?” Sally asked Duo.

He stared at her blankly.

“What did your captors call you?” Sally rephrased.

Recognition flashed in his eyes, “Z… Zero-two.”

His voice was rough.

Sally nodded, “If I let you out of your restraints are you going to attack another nurse?”

“No.”

Sally moved closer to the bed and took off the restraints that were keeping him from moving his hands or feet more than a few inches. He pushed himself up and leaned back against his pillows as he watched her warily.

“I’m going to show you a few photos.” Sally said picking up a folder, “I want you to tell me if you recognize anyone in them or the places in them.”

He nodded.

Sally showed him the first picture. In it was the prison where he had been found. He shook his head no. Sally showed him the second picture, the room he had been in when Heero and Wufei had found him.

“My room.”

“Your room?” Sally asked as she made a note of it, “Did you ever go outside your room?”

“Only when drugged.” He said, “Used sedatives.”

“That’s why you attacked the nurse?” Sally asked.

He nodded, and Sally held up a third photo. He stared at it, frowning. It felt familiar, but he didn’t know what it was. He shook his head no. Sally held up a fourth photo and he flinched.

“Who is he?”

He shook his head and started to edge away from her.

“Okay. It’s okay.” Sally said soothingly as she put the photo down, “Just one more, okay?”

He nodded, and she held up another photo. He stared at it, took in the smiling face, the violet eyes, and the long braid. He shook his head no.

“Are you sure?” Sally asked, barely keeping the disappointment out of her voice, “Look again.”

He looked again, his eyes widened, a scream bubbled in his chest. His hands grabbed his head as his breathing came in sharp, gasping bursts.

“MAKE IT GO AWAY!” He gasped out.

Sally placed the photo face down before reaching out to grasp his wrists.

“It’s okay. It’s gone.” She said pulling his hands away from his head, “I won’t show it to you again.”

He started muttering under his breath, “Demon, monster, murderer, freak, death.”

“It’s okay.” Sally said as she tried to calm him, “It’s okay. Just breath okay? That’s right. Just like that.”

Slowly his breathing evened out and he pulled his wrists from Sally’s grip.

“No more photos.” He said.

“No more photos.” She agreed, “I’m going to let you rest. I’ll be back later to check up on you.”

He nodded and shifted so he was laying on his right side.

Sally gathered the photos and left his room. She wasn’t surprised to find Trowa waiting for her in the hallway.

“Come on.” She said as she turned towards her office, “We’ll talk in there.”

Trowa followed her even as he looked back at the closed door that led to Duo’s room.

He, Quatre, Heero, and Wufei had been banned from the room at Duo’s request a month ago much to their displeasure.

“How is he?” Trowa asked as soon as the door to the office was closed.

“Sit down Trowa.” Sally said as she sat and pulled out the five photos she had shown to Duo.

“Photos?” Trowa asked confused.

“I showed these five to Duo.” Sally said, “The old pre-colony prison, the solitary confinement cell he was found in, Deathscythe, someone we believe to be one of his captors, and Duo himself. He recognized the cell and called it ‘his room’, as well as the man…”

“What else?” Trowa asked.

“At first he didn’t recognize his own photo.” Sally said, “When I asked him if he was sure he looked at it again and had a panic attack.”

Trowa’s heart sank, “He doesn’t… he can’t…” He looked up at her looking just like he had at fifteen, lost and unsure of his place in the world.

“I know this is difficult.” Sally said softly, “I know you want Duo to remember, but right now he is convinced his name is Zero-two. He needs time to adjust to being free of his captors, time to heal.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Trowa asked, “What if he doesn’t remember? What if he never gets over what they did to him? What if…”

“What if he never remembers who you are?” Sally finished for him, “Give him time, Trowa. You know how amnesia works. His mind and body need time to heal, he needs to feel safe.”

“I can’t lose him again.” Trowa whispered, “I lost him once, for five years. I just got him back, I can’t lose him again.”

“You haven’t lost him, Trowa.” Sally said, “He’s here, just down the hall, safe in his bed. Now, I need you to go home, shower, and rest. You can’t help him if you don’t take care of yourself. Go home, Trowa.”

Sally stood and walked Trowa into the hallway. He shuffled down the hallway, his shoulders hunched. Sally watched him go before going back inside her office and typing her report.

When she was done she looked down at the photo of Duo. It had been taken at his and Trowa’s wedding.

“What did they do to you, Duo?” Sally whispered.

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean he’s not in the hospital!?” Trowa demanded.

“At some point during the night, Duo was able to leave the hospital unnoticed.” Sally said, “We looked at the tapes and discovered that he left not long after the night nurse started on her rounds.”

“How was he able to get past security?” Trowa asked.

“We aren’t sure.” Sally said.

“Trowa calm down.” Quatre said, “Heero and Wufei are out looking for him. They’re checking all the places where he used to go to hide when he needed to cool down.”

“But he won’t go there!” Trowa exclaimed, “He doesn’t remember them! He doesn’t know the city or have any money! He doesn’t even have clothes!”

“He will be found, Barton.” Une said as she entered Sally’s office, “We looked further back on the tapes. It looks as if Maxwell has been planning his escape for a few weeks now.

“Damnit Duo!” Trowa whispered, “Where the hell are you!?”

 

* * *

 

He was careful not to look at his reflection in the windows as he walked past the various stores. He wasn’t sure where he was going, he was letting his feet guide him.

He looked up at the sky as he walked and stared at the bright specks of light, stars, his mind told him. He stopped at a bench and sat down. He was tired, most of his energy had been used to escape the night before and he hadn’t stopped moving since then.

He’d managed to steal clothing from a room and then he had walked right past the guards who hadn’t even given him a second look. He couldn’t believe it. After he had woken up, not in his room, he knew that he was in for a new form of torture.

He’d been on a mattress, warm, his injuries taken care of, he knew it was too good to be true. So, he bided his time, waiting for the perfect chance to escape.

He slumped down on the bench and held his growling stomach. He’d been given three meals a day and no matter how small they’d been, they had been wonderful. He hadn’t been able to resist eating them even though he knew it was just another form of torture, another way to break him.

His head snapped up as he sensed someone watching him. He looked around, his eyes searching, as his mind screamed at him to run.

Something gleamed in the dim lighting and he moved. He looked at the spot he had just been in and saw a dart sticking out of the bench. He scrambled to his feet and took off running.

He couldn’t let them get him again, he couldn’t go back there. He ran, his heart pounding in his chest.

“Get him! Don’t let him escape!”

Another dart flew past him. He changed direction. There were tree’s ahead. He could lose them there.

As he entered the tree line, he tripped. He tumbled down a steep hill that the trees had been hiding. He cried out in pain as he hit a thick trunk causing him to come to a sudden and painful stop.

Hands grabbed him, pulled him to his feet.

“Hey! What are you doing!?”

“Shit!”

“Let him go!”

“Mind your own business!”

The next several seconds were a blur of words and movements. He was dropped to the ground as the ones holding him ran. He was rolled over as his eyes slipped closed.

“Call an ambulance!”


	3. Letting Go

_It’s time to let him go. The way he kissed, smiled, and smelled. You have to let it go. The way his hands felt on your waist, the way he said your name, you have to let it go._

_Because that’s who he was, not who he is._

* * *

“What do you mean he’s fit to leave?” Heero asked, “It was just a few days ago that he escaped the hospital.”

“Short of locking him up, which I don’t advise.” Sally said, “He’s healthy enough to leave, legally, I can’t hold him here against his will and he wants to leave.”

“He doesn’t know what he wants!” Quatre exclaimed, “He doesn’t even know who he is!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t keep him here any longer without his permission.” Sally said, “The discharge paperwork has already been signed, Une’s given him an apartment, he’s already on his way there.”

“Where’s Trowa?” Wufei asked, “He’s still Duo’s husband. Surely he has some say in this?”

“He’s the one that signed the papers.” Sally said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have patients to check up on.”

“He’s letting him go…” Quatre whispered, “Wufei where are you going?”

“To find Barton.” Wufei said.

* * *

 

 

Trowa sat in his living room, a beer in one hand, a photo album in the other. It was steadily growing darker outside as the sun set but he couldn’t find the energy to get up and turn on the lights.

After signing the discharge papers, he had watched Duo leave the hospital. He had wanted nothing more than to pull Duo into his arms and beg him not to go, to stay, to remember. But he hadn’t. He’d let him walk out.

He ignored the banging on his door, the yells for him to open it before they broke it down. He continued gazing at the photo album.

Duo had been the one to start it. At first, it had been random pictures taken of them at various outings and at work when they had both still been with the Preventers. Some of them had been framed and placed on the mantle above the fireplace.

The last picture they had taken together was the day before Duo had left on the mission. They’d been scuba-diving that day.

He heard the front door open and sighed. Couldn’t they get the hint that he didn’t want company?

The lights turned on and Trowa blinked at the sudden brightness.

“Are you just going to sit there and drink?” Wufei asked as he strolled forward.

“Yes.” Trowa said.

“Why?” Wufei demanded to know, “Why are you letting him go?”

“He doesn’t know who he is, he doesn’t know who any of us are.” Trowa said, “He doesn’t want to be around us.”

“I thought you said that you saw a spark of recognition in his eyes?” Wufei asked, “That day he woke up?”

“I did.” Trowa said quietly, “But I can’t force him to remember, I can’t force him to do anything. He won’t even let us near him.”

“So, you’re just letting him go?” Wufei asked.

“Yeah…” Trowa whispered, “I’m letting him go.”

* * *

 

 

In the year and a half that had passed since he had first woken up in the hospital, he’d come a long way. He could finally look at his own reflection without having a panic attack, but he couldn’t remember anything of his past.

His therapist had suggested that he contact people that knew him to see if that would help, which was why he was standing in front of this beautiful Craftsman style house. He had been surprised to find out that he owned it, or co-owned it.

“It’s beautiful.” He breathed.

“It is.” The other owner said, “You designed it. It was finished…”

“It was finished when?” He asked.

The other man hesitated, “It was finished right before you went missing.”

“So, I never got a chance to live in it?”

“No. You were looking forward to it, though.” The other man said.

“Oh…” He exclaimed, “I’m sorry! I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Duo.”

The other mans lips twitched up and he realized that the other man already knew who he was, “Trowa Barton.”

“It’s… nice to meet you Trowa.” Duo said.

“Would you like to come in?” Trowa asked, “It’s cold and this snow isn’t helping matters.”

“Sure.” Duo said, “So… I’ve got to ask, why do we both own the house? Were we roommates or something?”

“Or something.” Trowa said almost too quietly for him to hear.

“Please tell me.” Duo said as they entered the house, “That’s why I came here… for answers.”

Trowa sighed and ran a hand through his hair, briefly letting both his eyes come into view.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” Trowa said, “Would you like something to drink?”

“Sure.” Duo said, “I’ll have~”

“Sweet tea?” Trowa asked.

Surprised, Duo nodded.

“It was always your favorite.” Trowa said as he led the way into the kitchen.

Trowa grabbed a cup from a shelf and opened the refrigerator door to reveal a pitcher of sweet tea.

“When you called and asked if you could come over, I made some.” Trowa said as he added ice to the cup and poured the tea in.

“Thanks.” Duo said.

“It’s not a problem.” Trowa said, “Let’s go into the living room. I think we’ll be more comfortable in there.”

“Sure.” Duo said as he followed him, glass of sweet tea in hand.

“What would you like to know first?” Trowa asked as they sat.

“Is my name really Duo?” He asked.

Trowa smiled, “From what you told me, you named yourself that. You grew up on L2. You were homeless, and helped lead a gang of street children. The original leader was named Solo, when he died, you named yourself Duo.”

“Where’d the name Maxwell come from?” Duo asked.

“You were taken in by a church led by Father Maxwell. He all but adopted you and when he was killed when the church was destroyed you took on his last name.”

“I see.” Duo said lowly, “What else can you tell me?”

Trowa took a deep breath and launched into the tale of Duo’s past. Hours passed before they stopped. With one glance outside Trowa knew it was late.

“Shit… I didn’t realize it was already so late.” Duo said, “And the drive way is blocked by snow. Great. It’ll take hours to clear it, so I can drive home.”

“You could just stay here tonight.” Trowa suggested, “It’s late, and the roads probably won’t be cleared for several more hours.”

Duo bit his lip looking unsure, “Alright, I’ve got to call my boyfriend though, he’ll be worried.”

“Yeah, sure.” Trowa said, his heart sinking, “I’ll show you to the guest room, so you can freshen up.”

“Thanks!” Duo smiled at him, “You wouldn’t happen to have any of my clothes around here would you?”

“I do actually.” Trowa said, “I’ll get some for you.”

Trowa led Duo up to the guest room and left him there while he went and got some of Duo’s old clothes. When he got back to the guest room, Duo was on the phone. He paused outside of the door and listened.

“I miss you too, babe.” Duo said, “But the snow has blocked the roads and I can’t leave until they’re clear.”

_“Are you okay? You aren’t panicking, are you?”_

“No, I’m fine. I feel safe here.”

_“Alright. I’ll see you when the roads clear.”_

“Yeah, I’ll see you when the roads are clear. Love you.”

_“Love you too, babe.”_

Trowa closed his eyes. This was never how he’d imagined things going. He knocked on the door and waited for Duo to open it.

“Here’s the clothes.” Trowa said softly, “I’m going to go fix some dinner.”

“Okay.” Duo said, “Thanks. I’m going to take a quick shower and then I’ll be down.”

“Alright.” Trowa agreed as Duo closed the door.

Trowa turned on his heel and walked back downstairs and into the kitchen, he refused to let his tears fall.

As he entered the kitchen his phone rang. He fished it out of his pocket and put it on speaker as he gathered the ingredients for dinner.

“What is it, Quatre?” He asked.

_“Why does it feel like your heart just broke?” Quatre demanded._

Trowa stayed quiet.

_“Trowa?” Quatre asked._

“He has a boyfriend.” Trowa finally said.

_Quatre was silent, “Oh Trowa…”_

“Don’t.” Trowa said, “Just don’t Quat.”

_“Have you told him?” Quatre asked instead._

“No.” Trowa said, “I don’t know if I can.”

_“You have to tell him!” Quatre exclaimed, “He has the right to know!”_

“I know that!” Trowa said as he picked up the phone and took it off speaker, “I just don’t know if I’m the right person to tell him.”

_“It should come from you.” Quatre said, “Not anyone else.”_

Trowa released an angry breath, “I’ve got to go. I’m cooking dinner.”

He hung up without waiting for Quatre to respond.

“What was that about?” Duo asked as he entered the kitchen.

“Just Quatre calling to check up on me.” Trowa said.

“Quatre?” Duo asked.

“Blonde hair, blue eyes.” Trowa said.

“Ah!” Duo said as he walked further into the kitchen, “Do you need any help?”

Trowa chuckled, “Sure. Wash the potatoes.”

Duo walked over to the sink and Trowa watched him. His hair was longer now, reaching mid-back.

“You’re growing your hair out.” Trowa said.

“Yeah.” Duo said, “It just feels right, ya know?”

Trowa smiled, “Your hair used to reach the back of your knees.”

“Really?” Duo asked surprised, “I’m not sure if I want it that long.”

“You hadn’t cut it in a few months when…” Trowa cut himself off.

“When I went missing?” Duo asked, “It’s okay, you can say it.”

They were quiet for several minutes before Duo asked another question.

“Before I went missing… before I was captured, what was I doing?”

“You were on a mission for the Preventers.” Trowa said.

“I know that.” Duo said, “What was I doing before that?”

Trowa paused from where he was getting the meat ready to cook. He closed his eyes as he leaned against the counter.

“Trowa?” Duo asked.

Trowa exhaled and opened his eyes to see Duo standing next to him.

“You… you were on your honeymoon.”

Duo’s eyes widened, “My… honeymoon? I’m married?”

Trowa nodded.

“Why haven’t they contacted me?” Duo demanded, “Do they know…?”

“They know.” Trowa said, “They were at the hospital when you woke up. When you banned everyone from your room, they sat outside in the hallway for hours, waiting… hoping that you would let them in. When you left, still refusing to see anyone they decided to give you your space.”

“Where are they now?” Duo asked.

“They’re waiting.” Trowa said.

“I’m not hungry anymore.” Duo said, “Excuse me.”

“Of course.” Trowa said.

Duo walked into the hallway, thinking about Trowa’s words as his mind flashed back to the photo he’d seen sitting on the fireplace mantle. A photo of him in a tuxedo with… Trowa.

“Oh my god…” Duo whispered before pain flashed through his head.

He cried out, falling to his knees as his hands went up to grab his head. He heard someone calling his name as he fell forward only to be caught by a strong pair of arms.

His eyes closed, and blackness surrounded him.

“Duo!”


	4. Starting Over

_Maybe it’s not about trying to fix something broken._

_Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better._

* * *

 

 

__

_Hands stroked up his sides as a warm mouth steadily worked its way south. He groaned, his back arching as that warm, moist mouth engulfed his aching member. His hands clutched at broad shoulders as that wicked mouth took him further in._

_He gasped, his eyes rolling back into his head at the pleasure he was receiving._

_“Trowa!”_

His eyes shot open. He was laying on a soft, yet firm mattress with blankets pulled up to his shoulders. He blinked and turned his head. Trowa was asleep in an armchair that had been pulled close to the bed. A book laid open in his lap.

Duo pushed himself up, letting the blankets fall to his lap. He looked around. This wasn’t the guest room. He turned to look at Trowa and he caught sight of a photo sitting on the bedside table. He reached over and picked it up.

He was in the picture, his hair just as long as Trowa had said it was. Trowa was also in the picture. Their arms were wrapped around each other, their lips softly touching as waves broke in the background.

They looked… happy.

“That was taken during our honeymoon.” Trowa said quietly, watching Duo, “How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts.” Duo said as he placed the photo back on the table.

He looked up and saw Trowa watching him.

“I remember…” He paused at Trowa’s hopeful look, “I remember us making love. Well… you were… pleasuring me at least…”

“Do you… do you remember anything else?” Trowa asked softly.

“No.” Duo said looking away.

He heard Trowa move and looked up surprised when Trowa sat next to him and cupped his face with one hand.

“I’m not him.” Duo whispered, “I can’t ever be him again.”

“I know.” Trowa whispered back.

Duo hesitated, “I can’t give you anything past tonight.”

Trowa closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Duo’s, “I’m not asking you to.”

Duo tilted his head and pressed their lips together. Trowa gasped, a single tear finding it’s way down his cheek. He shifted and pushed Duo down onto the bed even as he deepened the kiss.

Duo wrapped his arms around Trowa’s back and tugged at his shirt. Trowa shifted and pulled it off, doing the same with Duo’s a second later. He leaned down and pressed kisses along Duo’s body, mapping the new scars and burns that covered the body he used to know better than his own.

Duo reacted to every touch, his body arching, and nails leaving scratches along Trowa’s back.

“Please.”

It was barely a whisper, but the sound of Duo’s voice begging him made him shiver. Their pants and underwear were quickly gone, then it was just skin on skin.

The next morning when Trowa woke, he was alone in the bed. He didn’t have to get up and look to know that Duo was long gone. He buried his face in the pillow that Duo had used and inhaled the scent that lingered there.

He stayed in bed for the rest of the day, ignoring all the calls and messages as he relived his memories of the night before.

“Get up.”

He opened his eyes and rolled over.

“I didn’t hear you come in.” He said.

“Wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to do you any good.” Quatre said as he stood in the middle of the room with his arms crossed, “I’m not even going to ask what happened last night.”

“No doubt you can smell it.” Trowa remarked.

“Get up.” Quatre said again.

“Why should I?” Trowa asked, “He left.”

“If you had bothered to answer your phone, then you’d know that they caught the bastards that took Duo.”

Trowa blinked before sitting up, “What?”

“They caught the bastards that took Duo.” Quatre repeated, “They tried to attack him on his way home.”

“Is he okay?” Trowa asked.

“He’s fine.” Quatre said, his glare softening slightly, “Just a little bruised is all.”

“Oh god.” Trowa said, throwing the blankets off and jumping from the bed to pull on the same clothes he’d worn the day before.

“He doesn’t want to see you.” Quatre said, “He made that perfectly clear.”

Trowa paused in the process of pulling on his pants. He didn’t blame Duo for not wanting to see him.

“I’ve lost him for good…” Trowa whispered.

Quatre lost his glare and walked over to pull Trowa into a hug, “I’m sorry, Trowa. If there was anything I could do, I would.”

Trowa pushed him away and made his way into his bathroom. He turned on the shower, not bothering to check to see if it was warm or not.

He stripped out of the few articles of clothing he had put on and stepped into the shower. The freezing water stung as it hit his skin, but he ignored it as he stood under the spray.

He pretended that the tears rolling down his face was water from the shower.

When the water turned off unexpectedly, he looked up to see Quatre standing there before a large towel was draped over him.

Trowa shivered as he held the towel close as he was shuffled back into his room. Clothes were shoved into his hands. He dressed without looking to see what he was wearing, he couldn’t find the energy to care.

“I know this is hard, Trowa.” Quatre said, “But it’s not the end of the world. Yes, Duo left you, but you still have your memories of him.”

“What good are memories when they cost you everything?” Trowa asked, “What’s the cost? My happiness? I let him go once, and when he came back he left just as quickly.”

“That’s not your fault.” Quatre said, “Duo isn’t the same person he used to be, none of us are…”

“Just leave, Quatre.” Trowa said, “I want to be alone.”

Quatre sighed, “Alright, I’m just a phone call away.”

Trowa went and curled back up in his bed. He hugged Duo’s pillow to his chest and inhaled his scent.

* * *

 

 

“You okay, babe?”

Duo looked over at his boyfriend as they got ready for bed. It had been nearly a month since he had talked to Trowa, and he hadn’t told his boyfriend what had happened.

“Duo?”

“Sorry… I’ve got something to tell you.” Duo said turning to face him.

“What is it?”

“That night… the one I spent at Trowa’s.” Duo said.

“What about it?”

“I slept with him.” Duo said.

“What?”

“I was… I am married to him.” Duo said, “Apparently we had been on our honeymoon right before I went missing.”

“So… you slept with him as in past tense? Like before you went missing?”

“Yes and… I slept with him the night I was there.”

“I see…”

“I’m sorry.” Duo said.

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you love me?”

“What?” Duo exclaimed, “What kind of question is that!?”

“One that you haven’t answered.”

Duo blinked, “I do, I do love you.”

“You hesitated.”

“I…”

“I think you should leave.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You already said that. Pack enough for tonight. You can come get the rest later.”

Duo nodded and quickly packed a bag before turning back to where his boyfriend… ex-boyfriend was still standing, “I really am sorry.”

He didn’t wait for a response as he turned on his heel and left the apartment. Once outside he paused, unsure of where he could go.

The only place that popped into his head was… Trowa’s.

He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and heading for his car. He hoped Trowa would let him in.

It was late when he arrived. The lights were off. He parked the car and climbed out, dragging his bag with him.

He walked up the snowy drive and up to the door. He raised his hand to knock when the door opened.

Trowa stood in the doorway wearing only sweatpants that hung low on his hips.

“Duo?” Trowa asked, “What are you doing here?”

“I told him what happened between us.” Duo said, “He kicked me out.”

Trowa blinked, surprised, “You told him? Why?”

“I don’t like keeping things from him.” Duo said, “I shouldn’t have come here… it was a bad idea.”

He turned to walk away when a hand grabbed his elbow.

“You always have a home here, no matter what.” Trowa said.

Duo took a deep breath, “I can’t be him. The doctors said I’ll probably never regain my memories… Are you willing to start over?”

Trowa stared at him for a long moment before smiling and holding out his hand, “I’m Trowa Barton. I used to work at a circus as a clown, I was also a Preventer. Now I own a Veterinary clinic.”

Duo smiled, relieved as he grasped Trowa’s hand and shook it, “I’m Duo Maxwell. I have no memories of my past, I’m a total nutcase who is looking for a place to live.”

Trowa laughed, “You’ve come to the right place, Duo Maxwell. Come on in.”

Duo smiled and entered the house as Trowa stepped aside, “Thank you.”

“Would you like me to show you to the guest room…?” Trowa asked.

Duo hesitated, “If we’re starting over…”

“It’s okay.” Trowa said gently, “I searched for five years for you, and waited nearly for another two. Waiting for a while longer won’t hurt me.”

Duo breathed a sigh of relief and smiled up at Trowa, “Thank you, really Trowa…”

“You’re welcome.” Trowa said, “Go put your stuff down. I’ll fix some hot chocolate.”

“That sounds great!” Duo smiled turning to go up the stairs before pausing and turning back to Trowa.

“Duo?” Trowa asked.

Duo stepped closer and stood on his toes to place a kiss on Trowa’s cheek before backing away and all but running up the stairs to his room.

Trowa stared after him for a moment before smiling, turning, and going into the kitchen to make hot chocolate.

At that moment he knew that their relationship would never be the same it had been, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be better than it had been.


End file.
